The origin of the selfie dates back to colonial America when narcissistic leaders such as George Washington felt the need to have their portraits painted for the world to see. Nowadays, everything from taking a dump to a special occasion can be documented via selfie because our phones have cameras and we are always doing something so incredibly original and amazing that it must be photo documented. I haven’t taken a ton of selfies in my time, but I have done some thorough research on Facebook and Instagram and am ready to report my findings to you.
Since this phenomenon refuses to go away, here are nine of the easiest and most common selfies you can take from your very own camera phone — easily and effortlessly so the world can see your pretty face all God damn day long. Please note the absence of “The Driving Selfie” — as when operating a motor vehicle, the very last thing you should be doing is taking a fucking picture of yourself.
1. “The Duck Face Selfie”
In an effort to prove that we can all look like Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club, the duck face selfie was born. Simply put your lips together, pucker and squeeze them so hard that it makes it seem as though they are either filled with collagen or you’re about to shit your pants. Looking like a duck is very sexy these days. This selfie is very popular with the gays. And no, it’s not because we like having sex with ducks — we just love channeling Goldie.
2. “The Sexy Selfie”
We all want to feel sexy sometimes, don’t we? And what better time than when we are sitting alone with our camera phones doing absolutely nothing sexy at all. The Sexy Selfie’s origins date back to when dating websites came of age. Back then, we didn’t take pictures of ourselves looking sexy because we had no reason to. These days, it’s an absolute must for people who are trying to find a mate online or, who feel the need to post a picture of them-self looking like a slut on Facebook. Clothing is optional (from the waist down) but a face that looks like you’ve just has a mild stroke is a must!
3. “‘The I’m Having WAY More Fun Than You Are Right Now’ Selfie”
Nothing like rubbing in a fun night out or a tropical vacation with the family during the cold winter months in your loser friend’s faces. This selfie, designed to make all of your friends feel like shit for having to go to work or not being able to join you on vacation does just that. So remember, next time you are having the absolute time of your life – stop everything that you are doing and take a picture. It never happened unless it makes it to Facebook or Instagram, so next time you are having the time of your life – be sure to let everyone know about it.
4. “The Sleeping Selfie”
Nothing is more uninteresting, bar none, than sleeping. Like, nothing happens while you’re asleep. I mean, things happen, but they don’t happen to you, aside from the occasional nightmare. So jazz up your sleeping cycle with a sleeping selfie. All of your Instagram followers are dying to know what you look like while you are laying in bed, emotionless and (in some cases) barely conscious. Simply fall asleep, wake up in the middle of the night (in full beat of course because this is, after all, going on the internet) and take a picture of yourself in bed. You sleeping will wow your Facebook friends, because not every human being in the world can sleep or even require it for their basic health. It takes a really special kind of person to be able to do it, so be sure to let your friends know you’re that special person.
5. “The Surprise Selfie”
Something so shocking, so utterly fascinating and beyond amazing just happened. Surprise! Time to take a selfie about it in order to capture the moment…even if the picture is taken long after the surprise reveal. Example: Example: You’ve slept with countless men over the past few weeks and you go to the clinic to take a pregnancy test, right? The doctor comes in with the results — and surprise, you’re knocked up! But, you don’t know who the baby’s daddy is. Suddenly, you realize that your life has turned into the plot of Mamma Mia!except without all of the fun ABBA music. What do you do? Call a friend? Try to piece together the past few weeks of drunken debauchery at every nightclub that would have you? No no, friend, you take a selfie and post it online. This may be the worst news ever, but it’s kind of exciting to be living out a full-on movie musical in real life. Surprise!
6. “The I’m Standing In Front of Something Cool Selfie”
The origins of this selfie date back to the first time confused Asian tourists stepped foot in Times Square with a handheld camera and a dream. Simply stand in front of something cool (well, it doesn’t even have to be that cool. It simply needs to prove that you’re somewhere you normally aren’t. A water pump with the city’s name on it suffices) give a big ol’ thumbs up and click! Thank you Asians for brining yet another one of your wonderful pastimes to our ever enchanting internet.
7. “The Sad Seflie”
Remember back in the old days when you could simply refuse to pick up the phone when someone called? Well, these days you’ve no such luck. That mentally unstable girl or gay guy you were friends with in high school and begrudgingly accepted their friend request is now bringing their unique brand of sunshine to you through the sad selfie. The sad selfie is the least favorite selfie of many mainly because if you’re that sad, pick up the fucking phone and call your therapist. Don’t take a picture of your sadness. No one wants to be friends with the sad girl. God, I hate people who take sad selfies. According to some studies, the sad selfie dates back to Ancient Egypt when women would carve pictures of themselves out of stone and send it to their husbands who were off at war to make sure their men knew just how upset they were for being left along.
8. “The Pet Selfie”
In olden times, we used to have pets in our homes for companionship. These days, we have pets so that we can take an endless amount of pictures of all of the fun things they do like sleep, eat and poop. However, pets also provide great fodder for selfies. Just get your phone in one hand, grab your pet in the other and snap away. All of your friends will be oohing and awing at how amazing you and your pet look together. Unless you’re me and your cat is an asshole and he claws the shit out of you for trying to take a selfie with him.
9. “The Post Gym Selfie” or “Beach Selfie”
This multifaceted selfie comes in two forms — both however, were invented by gay men to make their friends feel horrible about themselves. The beach selfie gets its name because it is taken on the beach. Laying down, soaking up the sun with one arm behind your head showing off your amazing bicep and always shot from the nipple up. The post gym selfie is basically the beach selfie, standing upright right after the gym with your bicep either behind your head or flexing. We live for people telling us how great we look, even if we’re hiding something (why so many gay men do not have belly buttons or bottom halves, I will never understand.) We are all so amazing and so amazing looking you guys! Next time you are at the beach or coming home from the gym, be sure to snap a pic so everyone knows you look better than they do. Adding the hashtag #workbitch will also guarantee you at least three more likes than you have gotten without it.
There you have it! Nine ways describing the art of the selfie. Never forget what we’ve learned here because these are super important life lessons. No matter the occasion, there is always time to take a selfie because everyone wants to know what you’re doing, how you’re feeling and what you look like at all times because you are so very important. What else have we learned here today? Well, I learned after taking an endless series of selfies, that I am in desperate need of some Botox.